There are many paths that life continues to take and time will never stand still no matter what the journey began with. Whether this be domestic violence or the loss of child or both. Life does not stand still. As time has went on learning to love again has brought everything to a different level and then the unexpected happens after being told having another child was impossible. In March of this year (2015). I was told I am pregnant. While this is child 2 emotions are overwhelming after losing Tyler. Realizing I am not alone in the mixed emotions that come with this one must also realize that the past events are not going unnoticed. This also brings anxiety and more depression as judgements come from many places. One must realize that these judgements are just that.
          While the outside world sees some of these women as first-time mothers, moms in this situation know that they are not.  And yet, the story and life of their first child often goes unnoticed and denied by so many.  People are unsure of how to talk about the loss of a child with the women who have this story.  Friends, family and neighbors often become silent rather than reach out to these moms in an effort to honor the lives of the babies who were lost.  The comments that understandably upset the individuals  the most are those that sound something like this: “Well, you are young.  You can always try for another.”  Many of the moms who I see have taken this comment as an expectation that another baby is supposed to somehow take place of the one who was lost.  And when this is the case, these women may feel that there is neither opportunity nor the room to be a mother to both.

         Now that there is another child in the picture the thoughts of "replacing" the lost child makes the anxiety and depression even worse. One must realize that the opportunity is a "gift" and and "miracle" and not a replacement. Although this is a hard process and takes time there are so many things that go along with it.  The triggers that we may not realize begin to surface that we may not even known were there.  One must address these triggers to ensure good quality health.

There are many different ways that everyone perceives everything. Time can change a persons thoughts, opinions and the outcome of a situation. Thinking things through seems to become a thing of the past. There has been a lot of lessons that I have learned since my son has passed away. Although, sometimes people want to place a time limit on the grief. This is the worst thing that anyone can do to a person is "judge." Often times people don't realize that one can be misread or seem as though they are close to an understanding. Yet one may not understand at all if there is a different perception of the meanings behind them. Through the eyes of another being, there is depth and knowledge beyond the perception. One must certainly grasp the concept of being non-judgement before they can claim to be. I have seen so many different aspects of reality and I tend to "learn by fire". Looking through the window of another's eyes can certainly help one grasp a concept with a different feel. However, to do this one must listen and ponder. Something we as humans seem to have forgotten to do.
Learning to let actions flow, speak our destiny without shedding light on the path to another soul. If one path crosses and the journey is the same. The path will become one without conformity nor regret. The judement will cease!

A long time ago, a wise woman asked me one question that has stuck with me for many years! This question was "what are your long term goals." I couldn't for the life of me figure it out! Then I sat and thought about that! What was I doing? Where was I headed? I picked my head out of the wrong spot. I went back to school even while I had my son! I got my strength from that comment and my son! If I could only find her to give her a hug it would mean wonders to me! There are many times that people mention that I am strong with everything I have endured. Especially in the past year. No mother should ever endure the loss of a child. Tyler was my best friend and my world. My angel in heaven that continues to be my rock as I look at things through a different perspective. I would like to share the things that make me stronger each day. Helping me to move forward on a daily basis. As we see children many seem to forget while parenting that children even so small teach us many things as we are teaching them as well. Children teach us so much.  Loss is a broad word as it is not just death. Loss includes a wide variety of things. One may suffer from loss of their abilities, divorce, material items or even the ability to control ones mental health. As strong as one seems there is a dark side and no one may even notice that there is a dark side that is hidden so well behind a mask that we often create. Grief does not come in  stages nor is it bound to a timeline that we as humans often create. I have suffered many losses this past year not just one. As we look at the bigger picture of everything I lost the abilities to function with my severe carpal tunnel,  I got a divorce, I lost my independence, I lost my ability to control my overwhelming thoughts and mental stability to function on my own without the help from a therapist. I may remain strong on the outside but I am broken inside. I have pushed people away who just do not understand and brought ones closer that do understand and care. Everyone reaches a breaking point somewhere and learning to cope with it is very important in efforts to remain strong. Even though I may appear strong I am not made of stone. I continue to move forward looking to the positive aspects that my son has taught me and I feel that he continues to teach me. As children teach us to be resilient and to laugh as though they have no clue what is going on. Deep down children know what is going on around them and they are absorbing the contents of everyday life whether we choose to believe it or not. Children seem to have built in mechanisms that allow them to cope in their own ways and as a end result they help make others smile. Tyler made me smile with words of  encouragement or even goofiness. When I fall or break I know that my son would find a way to ensure that I would smile. This is how I remain strong. As my son found positive in anything. He taught me to not teach him things and not do it myself. I always told him to try anything once and if I wouldn't do it myself he would of course call me out on it! Just like a child to point out a parents flaw when trying to teach them something, right? This keeps me pressing forward and helping others at the same time!

          Smiles are one thing that many people do not realize are contagious and they are free. Even through my rough year with the death of my son and my divorce, I have found the best medicine is to smile and give an inviting rapport with people around me. A smile takes less energy than a frown and can be contagious to the point that it makes someone's day. If there was one thing that my son taught me throughout his short life was that laughter brings fun and utilizing an imagination creates an entire new world for everyone. As stated by Winsome Coutts (2013)
".......children laugh on average 300 times a day compared to adults only laughing 15 times a day? Where did we lose the ability to laugh? Did we actually lose that ability? Laughing is a vital part of being happy in our lives, and it is something that is worthwhile making a conscious effort to do more of. Read on to find out how children are teaching us adults how to be happy in life.

We’ve all heard that old adage: Laughter is the best medicine, Volumes have been written and spoken about the value of laughter in life and how laughter can make us happy – even if we don’t feel happy to start with. Laughter connects people and is part of the fine art of life happiness. "Winsome Coutts (2013)
          There is so much more to life than stressing an worrying about things that are beyond our control. Tyler taught me that fun can be everywhere around us and that we can cheer up even when we are sad, Memories of fun times will never be erased. The pain will heal in time and the journey without him will be difficult with the endless possibilities of "what could have been" One must remain in the setting of what children teach us as we continue on. No parent should ever suffer the pain of losing a child. However, we cannot change the chain of event. We must continue to move forward and help others. Let us share the stories and make them happy times. Let us smile and continue to spread the smiles to everyone else.

       Relationships,Intimacy after Trauma!   


          There are many different things that people endure on a daily basis. Trauma is not one of the daily events. However, trauma happens. The question is what happens after that? There are many challenges that are included after a trauma. Trauma may include may include that of a divorce,emotional abuse, physical abuse,rape,death and may more variations. These factors can hinder the relationship that one can try to endure as they "move forward".  Many individuals find that relationships are harder to maintain and influence the actions that one carries in their interactions with others.
         Reactions vary and are different for each individual person as the trauma is different for everyone. In my case, I lost my son,got a divorce after domestic violence and I am faced with the everyday challenge of security and the sense of holding on to the future.  Traumatic events have deeply shaken the way that I handle life in it's entirety. Learning to deal with the emotional pain as "moving forward" is not a choice as the life clock does not stop for just me. Ways to cope with is what I would like to be able to share with everyone. After suffering any kind of abuse or loss of a child, it takes tremendous courage to date or share love for someone else's children. It is even harder to accept love and intimacy in its entirety. There are many signs that one can look for in terms of roadblocks that can help ones path become much easier.
           The path for everyone is different. My methods may not work for everyone. However, I have chose to minimize the isolation in efforts to regain a sense of hope and look at the positive of different things. I have found that discussing different aspects of what I have experienced has helped be to build a bond with someone new. Learning that tragic events do not happen everyday and maintaining the attitude that not every man is the same. I have learned to engage more in life activities as the help of social events and build a support group that one is able to trust.

           These methods help me when I am down as I am freely able to express myself among other people so that people can understand what I am feeling and where my next mood may come from. Being able to discuss feelings is very important and having someone that one can talk to in confidence helps one to be able to stay positive. Remember to "always try" Just because one thing went sour doesn't mean everything is sour!



"In loving memory my son  Tyler Murry 7/26/04- 02/12/2013 My Hero-My Angel in heaven after 8 short years you taught me so much!"

Reinventing Yourself after Divorce      

           A chapter has ended and there is so much  that has gone on. The divorce papers are filed and its looking to the next chapter and door that opens. The relationship that one had so much high hopes for has dissolved after possibly being married for decades,years,weeks. One may be heartbroken or relieved and sometimes a little bit of both.

          Starting the new chapter of life takes a lot of work and it can be dreaded. There is the next question that one may ask themselves. Where do you turn from this point forward? Reinventing ones self as a newly single person takes looking at a few aspects. These aspects include but are not limited to questions to ask the4mselves such as, what do I want my life to look like? Where do I start from here?  As individuals who marry do not marry with the intention feeling as though they will be in this situation someday. Everyone has unique experiences in a marriage experience and there are different circumstances lead to the break up as the end result. Now let's look at the reinvention of how to "Move Forward" after a loss. One must take the time to grieve and face the facts as this is a great start to helping one to reinvent themselves as a person. The grieving process includes feeling or loss,guilt,remorse or even questioning ones action and wondering if the right thing was done as a end result. One must come to grips with the fact that a loss is a loss as a end result. As I had to  Make room for positive thoughts.  and be able to work through the feelings that one goes through.
           One thing that I can say that is a huge deal is to not carry your baggage into the next relationship. Focus your energy on healthy activities and talk about the feelings. As human beings everyone may find it easier to move the baggage into the closet and leave it for later. This will not help one to reinvent themselves as a end result it makes things worse. Therapy is also a great way to work through ones emotions,feelings and struggles. Many individuals see therapy as a bad thing. However, it can help one to create a better life and not fall back into the same negative patterns that one did before.  One must not assume that therapy does means that you have a problem it just means that you are in crisis at that point and time and need someone to help express the feelings and work through them. One must remember that even though the feelings of guilt come in the process of grief there is a point one may self-rejection after one goes through the process of a divorce.

           One must focus on liking themselves before they can love anyone else. One must acknowledge that one again a loss is a loss. Working on gaining and maintaining confidence in ones self helps one to achieve the ability to gain self-worth!

         Creating emotional  freedom is a constant battle. In walking through the journey of the past year, I have discovered that there is nothing one can do to change people and their patterns. One must be willing to help themselves. In my willingness to help others I find that this has been the case for everything. I find that this seems to involve developing a sense of emotional separation. Especially for health care professionals. One must establish emotional boundaries and ensure that the difference between one's personal emotions and the emotions of others around you. This means that one is able then separate and  gain a greater personal relationships as well as accepting responsibility, and being less likely seek and attract codependent relationships with others. As I enjoy helping others as many individuals do, one must learn when too much is too much and how to break a cycle of emotions.

            I have noticed that there are often times when one holds an image of  emotions and their expectations. As one should be able to break free from this pattern as there is no certain way that one should think or feel or even act. Individualism is a very important when it comes to creating a set of emotions that pertain to each individual. We as individuals must eliminate the image of expectations. This is simply not reality and being true to one's self.  Just because as a society we believe that having a great emotional health means that one is positive all the time it is not the case all the time. This is not reality and can be very unhealthy. Instead, one should allow themselves to feel how they want to feel at any given time without labeling, analyzing or assigning a negative or positive value to your emotions.

         Oftentimes, we have we have not become comfortable with showing emotions. However, it is a good technique to learn to identify the emotions and experience them as they come to you. We have to identify emotions besides the  normal emotions that we name them as. As we often carry a limited vocabulary when it comes to emotions such as,sad,happy and angry. If you further identify the emotions such as I may be angry yet it is actually disappointment. There are over a hundred different emotions. Taking the time to identify individualism and self-awareness for these emotions is very helpful. Expressing yourself is the process to mature and confident communication. For example, stating emotions in the following statements differently can effect an outcome of communication;

• "You made me mad"
• "I am angry"

          These two statements can have different end results as the first one can place blame and create the consequence of a complete shutdown. It then reduces efforts of further communication.  The second statement eliminates the blame of the conversation and opens the door to further communication in a civil and mature manner. However, one must be extremely cautious as to the intentions behind the statements as well. Note that the communication is not to have expectations that the other person will soothe or make one feel better. However, the communication is to be able to express and be able to soothe ones self.

          Upon learning to express your emotions and allowing yourself the ability to express your emotions within yourself, it will then become easier to separate ones self from the emotional experiences around you. Allow others to be expressive of their emotions around you as well. Everyone has thier own way of being expressive. Once you are able to place boundaries you will then be able to see other people's emotions and not hold yourself accountable for them as a end result.
This will then help with healthier relationships and more expressive communications.

Have you ever gotten angry and over reacted? Thrown things? Screamed so loud you may have scared yourself? These are all signs of anger. I have even said things I may not mean later.     This topic has been on my mind as it seems as though some have had a short fuse lately. Anger  is a normal reaction. It is an emotion that is a reaction to certain triggers. Anger management often carries a perception as suppressing feelings. This is not true. In fact, it is the opposite. Anger management helps us to deal with anger in a more positive way.

           There are many things that one can do to enhance anger management skills. One may learn different things that work for them. Not all methods work the same for everyone. Some of these skills include but are not limited to speaking with a counselor,anger management class, reading informative information online, books and many more. Managing anger is a process of problem solving. This process helps one to recognize what is triggering an issue and help manage it positively. It helps one to stay in control of emotions without reacting in a negative manner.

       There are many signs that are included when being able to determine if one is in need of getting help for anger. These signs include but are not limited to:

1.  Trouble with authority
2. Feeling as though you have to hold in anger
3. Physical violence
4. Wreck-less driving
5. Breaking objects
6. Picking fights

          If one can pay attention to the signs above and mange them in another way it is called anger management. The triggers are the main key too. Some triggers include that of stress,clenching jaws or fists, anger rises and you may want to yell at someone or have attitude.There are a number of resources onlne and in the library that provide information on anger management.There are also programs as well. A primary care physician may be able to point one in the right direction if the classes or more help are needed. As stated by Mayo Clinic Staff (2013) "Anger management classes or counseling for anger management can be done one-on-one; with your partner, child or other family members; or in a group setting. The setting, length of sessions and how many sessions you'll need to attend can vary depending on the program or therapist and your needs. Typically, anger management courses or psychological counseling for anger lasts for a period of weeks up to a few months.

Generally, counseling for anger management focuses on learning specific skills and ways of thinking to cope with anger. If you have any other mental health conditions, such as depression or addiction, you may need to work on these other issues for anger management techniques to be effective."

           I have learned that turning life situations around by looking at the brighter side of things has helped. There have been so many instances in which things have gone sour for me.  However, I utilize different techniques in efforts to help the anger.

          Anger management classes and counselors have a goal that can help one to be able to learn different techniques to utilize when certain triggers arise. They also help to communicate effectively, problem solve, avoid muddled reactions and respond in a non- aggressive way to triggers. Health is a big factor with anger as negative energy can bring a body down and create more health problems in the long run for individuals. More information may also be found on other blogs especially +Kathy Garber , +Anger Management Classes Online