How I deal with my son being gone! (Stages of Grief) There are many ways that people grieve over the loss of loved ones. There is no specific way or stages that one may follow. However, I wanted to share the stages and let everyone know they are not alone even if the stages are not in order to a specific pattern. I know from experience with my child's death, that I took criticism (and still do) when people thought or think I should be grieving a certain way. I had to keep in mind and still do, that they may not fully understand the process of grieving. The stages may include but are not limited to shock,anger,depression and guilt. These steps change ones life completely and may even change ones thoughts on life and their career. I have found that in the shock stage I was in denial. I did not want to believe my son was gone. I still don't. I found that the anger towards everything became heightened. I wanted answers and am still searching for them to this day. I found myself in deep depression that makes me want to not socialize with anyone. This creating a hardship on family and friends. However, if friends truly understand this part of grief they understand why. A good support system is a must through any process like this. Everyone is quick to point out that a journal will help. Sounds cheesy right? Those were my thoughts. However, writing out my thoughts into a blog to share how I am is helping me cope. Everyone copes in different ways. I have placed an interest in cooking and blogging. Something I never thought possible for me. I have also learned that taking life by the moments and thinking positive helps to enjoy the smaller things in life.
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Have you ever taken the time to look at the stars? Dance in the rain? Meet someone new? There are many things in life that one does not see. We often keep our minds focused on a set location or a set path. When looking outside the box we place ourselves in, it opens an entire new chapter. There are many things that we don't experience when we stay in our "bubble." Although, enjoying the small things in life is wonderful and the comfort of being in a place where it is "all you know" there are so many more things to life. The little things in life are wonderful. If we have repetition we tend to exclude the little things. Some of my best times remembered are the crazy steps I took to make them.
Why should we look at the smaller things in life? What makes them so magnificent? The little things in life are wonderful. If we have repetition we tend to exclude the little things. Some of my best times remembered are the crazy steps I took to make them. The little things in life are include that of but are not limited to children and their milestones, that feeling you get when your helping others,an evening with friends,trying something new or even taking a trip that one has never taken before. If one does not endure the little things in life they will only be left with the negative as this includes the daily stress,disappointments,struggles and disasters that occur out of nowhere. By taking life's moments to step toward learning new things I have found it easier to deal with the crisis such as my son's death along with the events of the year. People state that I am strong through the events of my past year. I would like to share that taking life's positive moments and enduring the smallest things in life has helped me to maintain a positive attitude. One must endure life's moments. As individuals we tend to think of life as a path of the days,months and even years! However, life is more about the moments that are endured. When everyone sits down to reflect on the day wouldn't it be nice to not reflect on the stress, and the things that need done. Open a new chapter and take a chance to do something adventurous you will not regret that path. If one sits back and ponders over negative energy it makes life depressing. Let's focus on the "now" and not what could have been. There are many individuals whom suffer from domestic violence everyday. You as a reader may need help or are looking to help a friend in trouble. From experience a pushy approach will not help the situation and make someone feel comforted. I for one would not listen to people when they said I needed out or needed help and saw the controlling aspects of my marriage. The temper that was shown and the verbal abuse that some may have seen or did not see behind closed doors, raised eyebrows. However, I shut people out as they approached me. I would not listen. One may not feel comforted by this as I sure didn't. Although, I was always walking on eggshells with my partner and felt as though if I did not do as he wanted, things would escalate. I stayed in the relationship out of comfort and fear. "When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn't mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused."(helpguide.org 2013) I sure did not realize that this was abuse for many years. I subjected my son in this as well. While dealing with this it is difficult to get away as good loving gestures and apologies continue in the cycle of abuse. My situation was just as this. What many do not realize is that the verbal abuse becomes physical. When it came time for of me to leave and I had enough of my situation (which is something someone must realize on their own) things got violent. He attempted to attack me with his cane. Emotional Abuse Fifteen Signs You're in an Emotional Abusive Relationship Emotional abuse, while it leaves no marks, can sometimes be the hardest type of abuse to understand in a relationship. It's hard to imagine that someone who "loves you" could abuse you -- and besides, it's just words, right? It's not like you're being BEATEN. Sad truth is, while broken bones heal, the wounds left from emotional abuse can last a lifetime. Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person's self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. Here are some signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship: 1) You're afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening - your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime - because you're not sure how he will react. 2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid. 3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost - just to avoid a confrontation. 4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you're afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones. More from The Stir: Michelle Williams Gives Love Advice Every Woman Should Hear 5) You've begun to believe that you're the crazy one -- that you're the one with the problem. 6) When talking about an accomplishment - a promotion or something equally exciting - your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it. 7) You feel helpless, like you're trapped in the relationship. Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings. 9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do. 10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. "If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to yell at you." 11) You've begun to see yourself as worthless -- just like your partner tells you you are. 12) You'll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the "lecture." 13) You're in complete isolation. Your partner doesn't want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you - not him. 14) You've begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn't make him so mad! 15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation. If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you're being abused but it's "not bad enough" to do anything about it, remember: it is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you. Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? Did you get out of it? What would you tell someone who was being emotionally abused? People who are not abused might find it hard to understand why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship. Victims are often blamed. Some people falsely believe that if a person stays, she or he must be weak or needy. This is not true. Changing or ending any relationship is hard. It can be even harder when the relationship is abusive. People stay for many reasons, such as: Conflicting emotions. Abusers use verbal, emotional, and physical violence along with apologies, promises, and affection to control their victims. A victim may hold on to the hope that the abuser will change. Along with painful times, there may be loving moments. The abuser may also be the only one providing financial support for the family. Shame. Victims often feel tremendous shame and embarrassment and use denial as a way of coping with the abuse. Safety concerns. In many cases, the abuser has threatened to kill his partner, himself, or the children if his partner tries to leave. (This is also true of men who are abused.) Lack of money and resources. Money is often tightly controlled, so a woman may fear losing financial support and may question how she will be able to support herself and her children. Women who are elderly or have disabilities may not feel that they have any other options than to stay with the abusive partner. Depression and isolation. Abuse can leave victims depressed and emotionally drained. This can make it hard to act. And abusers try to isolate victims from family and friends so that the victims do not have anyone to support them if they do leave. Cultural or religious pressures. In some cases, religious counselors, relatives, or friends may encourage women to stay to keep the family together no matter what. Custody worries. A woman may worry about losing custody of her children if she leaves. Fear of being deported. Immigrant women might stay in an abusive relationship because their partners have threatened to have them deported. Not being fluent in English might also be a challenge. Domestic Violence does not have to be physical!
Domestic violence occurs everyday more often than people may realize. Raising awareness that it is not limited to physical harm is very important.When the domestic violence is used some automatically assume that physical harm is being done. I would like to share some signs that will raise awareness to these factors. According to Melinda Smith, M.A.2013 "The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want. You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so."(Melinda Smith, M.A.2013). This is one thing that I did not realize while I was being mentally abused for some time during my marriage. I did not realize that my child was suffering as well. To a parent this is hard to take in all at once. However, one must remain strong for their children. Many people stay in relationships like this as they are comfortable and it is what they know. Some may even be fearful to remain alone. The partner may also make them feel as though they are responsible for their happiness. Behind the eyes of everyone there is always something they struggle with daily life,loss and many other life events that may be traumatic to an individual. There is so much more behind the eyes of everyone. Something much deeper than anyone can see! Everyone has something beyond the shell. Intellectual conversation in depth can help to let this portion shine! Have you ever taken the time to realize that there is so much more than what meets the eye? Or even looked behind someones smile?
Inside my eyes there is a window to my soul that only I can see. I enjoy solace when everything seems unwinding and nothing else can prevail. With each day I become stronger. Every step I take becomes a leap of faith for the day. The loss of my child seems to be the worst pain that one can endure. It does not matter if the loss was expected or unexpected the pain is so much that no parent should ever have to endure.Unfortunately, this tragic situation occurs more often that individuals realize. Grieving is a long road as one can never forget a precious child. However, we find ways to cope with the pain and continue on. As holidays approach there is much more behind the eyes than one can see. The ones we hold dear are not near, the pain continues behind the eyes and the smiles. We continue to move forward and Cope in our own ways. As the pain will always be here to stay. "Wear your tragedies as armor not shackles"~unknown Please don't rush me. My child is gone. I will never hold his hand again. Share in his happiness or his sorrow. This is the grief parents feel when they loose a child. Grief so strong it controls yours life. You try so hard to not let it but does. Please don't tell us to "Let it go". "Don't dwell on it" . "We need to go on with our lives." The list goes on & on what people have said to me and other parents. Do you know how hurtful these words are to us? If you don't know what to say. Hugs us,. Hold us tight. Hugs mean more to me than anything else. It showed you cared. You felt our pain. The holidays are near. We feel the loss of our child. But no one is near to dry our tears. Please don't turn your back or walk away when we feel the need to talk. We feel safe with you. But you walk away. Become silent. We need you so much right now. Please don't become a stranger. Bring up our child. Yes,it may bring tears. But happy tears. Talking about memories. This is all we ask. So hard with the holidays when you look around and that special person is not here and your heart aches so much. Just a simple glimpse of anything will make you think of them. We all travel the slow journey through the grieving process in our own way, our own time as long as It's never easy, always so hard and as individuals we continue to ask ourselves "why"so many times However, we have to believe there is a better place for them where we will meet once again. Rather than shed tears one day we will think of them and smile as we remember their beautiful smiles and their eternal spirit. Grief seems to be a solitary journey. No one but you can mourn the silence. There is no such thing as unresolved grief, for grief can never be resolved, just lived with, endured, day by day.
As we all know that life can change at the blink of an eye and tomorrow is never promised. There have been changes that have brought me to where I am today. As I have been down a path some may have traveled I want everyone to know they are not alone. In 2003 I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but yet excited knowing that a life inside of me would be my responsibility. I was going to be a single mom, or so I thought. I met a guy whom I would soon call my husband. Tyler Ray was born was born on July 26th 2004. As time went on I realized that time goes by fast and I wanted to remain at home with Tyler while he was learning to crawl,walk and create milestones that I did not want to miss. I got married in February of 2005. I was a stay at home mom for the first year. I then turned to health care obtaining my Certified Nursing Assistant and Certified Medication Technician certificates working full time and continuing my education. I then obtained my degree in Health Care Administration. Seems like the best "picture perfect" life that one can paint. However, with the stress and strain of the busy days being a mom all at the same time. My marriage suffered. There was name calling,control and verbal abuse that surfaced. All of the things that can be categorized as domestic violence. My son wanted to know his biological father. Seems like that could not be too much to ask for,right? My husband stated that this was not a option for my son and it would not be allowed. This created a new chapter of "lies" I felt the lies were needed because I was doing right by my child. This creating more anger,resentment and problems. By August of 2010 I thought I could get away, Tyler was asking me questions like one that broke my heart "When are you going to leave him?". Although this man is called "daddy" My son could see the entire picture. We had to get out of this cycle and leave the situation completely. I packed up Tyler and we left. Sounds easy enough, right? As many women know, this is not the case. Leaving someone that has been a control factor for so long does not end that easy. We went back. It was not until 2012 that we finally broke this cycle. This was not easy either as physical abuse occurred while trying to leave. My son being a strong boy saw all this and was my strength. I had to surround myself with family, friends and ensure that this was a one way route away. I focused on my son and I as we started over and my son was happy and resilient. Making new friends at his new school we developed a structure for each other to keep us strong. We relied on each other. With a restraining order in place on my ex husband and the divorce papers started we felt more at ease. Tyler and his biological dad were getting along great. Tyler was seeing more things within himself that made so much more sense. His actions,his looks and entire personality was made to light when he was able to be himself. Tyler enjoyed reading,swimming,video games and basketball. He was a child full of life. His grades were improving. Tyler's writing skills improved. Smiling more and loving each day. Until January 29th things took a huge turn for the worse.Tyler and his biological dad were headed on a road trip to Kentucky, Tyler was so excited. Little did anyone know when they set off for the trip it would be last time we saw Tyler awake.Road conditions changed and they were in a bad car wreck. This leaving Tyler in serious condition at a medical center. Posts like these were made on Facebook. "The Doctors are hoping for the best.Tyler was in a bad car accident that has left him on life support and in a coma he has severe head trauma he has hemorrhaging of the brain and so much fluid there is a shunt in is head. his spinal cord is detached from the skull. His brain stem has been torn. In his neck c1 is fractured. C3 and c4 are dislocated. His lungs are bruised. With that said he has been reduced to minimal life support breathing somewhat on his own but still needs help possibly for life. There is minimal movement and they think he may never regain function. He also is being tube fed."
as prayer circles emerged and people that we did not even know came together. Tyler was a strong boy and was always willing to help people. Always wanting to stay active and be a part of everything. As a only child he was spoiled. As l layed by his side after his car wreck that landed him in ICU on life support, A part of me had died. High hopes remained that he would pull through. However, everything else pointed in the other direction. As weeks went on chances grew slim and the state he was in would remain that way for the remainder of his life. The part of grief for me that struck me at this point was shock. It was hard to believe that all of this was not just a dream. It was like I was walking on a cloud. The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was determining the quality of life that my son would have. This bringing me to the decision that there was no way I would want to live on a machine my entire life. On February 12th 2013 the decision to discontinue life support was made. Shortly after my grandmother joined him in heaven. "When we suffer a loss, a break-up, a painful change in our lives, we need to remember to take all the time we need to heal emotionally.Moving forwards and getting back on track with our lives doesn't take a day. It takes a lot of small steps to allow us to break free from our broken self and move on."~ Dave Hedges I am writing this blog with many pages to inform individuals' about different aspects of life that ones can relate to. I suffer from depression,anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I have learned that researching each disorder and writing about them helps to cope with them. I have also learned different breathing techniques that help with anxiety. After my son passed away the new outlook on life has brought me to want to help others just like my son did. My son was 8 when he passed away,saving lives of many with organ donation. This helps me to cope on a daily basis knowing that he lives on through other people that needed a vital organ. As stated by Unos Annual report (2009)" Without the organ donor, there is no story, no hope, no transplant. But when there is an organ donor, life springs from death, sorrow turns to hope and a terrible loss becomes a gift." – Reprinted from the 2009 UNOS Annual Report. I was very skeptical at first about donating my sons organs. As a mother I wanted to feel selfish. After all that is my boy. After careful consideration and thoughts. I realized that my son would love helping others as he always did. Knowing that my son would be kept alive only by tubes,I made the decision to let him go. I believe that by far this was the most painful decision a mother could make. However, after receiving reports that my son helped to save the lives of 8 other individuals with families it was overwhelming. I knew at that moment that my son had helped so many and had served a major purpose.Being an organ donor is a big decision. However, saving the lives of others was a less difficult decision to make. There are many myths about organ donations. These myths were clarified by researching carefully before the ultimate decision to have my son be an organ donor. I would like to also mention my support team during this rough time. I would like to say THANK YOU to my family,close friends an a special thank you to James Williams for sticking by me. Please take the time to view my other blog posts in order to view the different journeys I have faced as the year has gone on. Each one touches base on different topics that willing to help someone out there to know that they are not alone. Tyler Ray Murry born July 26, 2004 and passed away February 12, 2013 was a very energetic,kind and loving boy. Often times had attitude but he got that from his mamma. What kid doesn't have an attitude, right? I am sharing this post with pictures in loving memory of my son as it helps to remain positive in every way and think of the great times that we shared. The gift that was given to me for the 8 years he was in my life. |
AuthorThis blog is being established to share the things that I have been through in the past year. From divorce,domestic violence and the death of my child. I am writing to share domestic violence help and coping skills. Hoping that this will reach many and ensure that woman and men are not alone when dealing with life situations. If this blog at least helps one individual, I will have succeeded. Archives
July 2015
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